You know what else bugs me about that guy? He is never fucking on time! Seriously, how hard is it to get somewhere when you say you will? And I don't mean he was 5 minutes late. I mean he was over an hour late and I left. 'Cause fuck that. Also, the other night when he was being all forward and desperate and shit... He had said he would see me there at 9. I told him I couldn't stay out late because of work and he still didn't show up until 9:45. Fuck that. Punctuality is important. I still left early btw. My time is important and I'm madly in love with my bed.

And as long as I'm on a rant about him... I can't understand him on the phone. In person, easy peasy. He talks like a real person. On the phone though, he talks like a gangster. He even texts like a gangster. I don't understand gangster speak. I grew up in small town Oregon and I don't watch tv. Where would I have learned gangster?! Where did HE learn gangster??!!

And I wish he would stop texting me! He always says, "Hey stranger." Well, hey, if I'm a stranger why are you texting me? If it's been so long since you and I last spoke that you feel the need to call me stranger then just go away. Real friends are never strangers.

Wow. I didn't realize I dislike him so much.  :/

MEAN PEOPLE PISS ME OFF.

Ok. Now that I've gotten that out... I was out with some friends the other night and one of them said, "Oh. That girl." I was like, "What's wrong with her?" And my friend said, "She basically stole $500 from me." Ummm what? "How?" "She won that karaoke contest and she can't even sing." I didn't even know what to say to that. In real life I'm terrified of hurting people's feelings but ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! The "wrong" thing this girl did was enter and win a karaoke contest and now you're going to hate on her for forever? That's fucked up. Hate on the judges. I don't know. And she's said similar about other people. "Oh. That guy." One of the guys she doesn't like; his name is Jeff. He's really fucking nice. Like, an actual nice person. Well, to the best of my knowledge he is an actual nice person. He has always been nice to me... I've never seen him be mean to anybody.

I'm going to surround myself with NICE people from now on. Or, well, at least try to. 'Cause I just don't understand all the hating stuff.

That same night I was leaving, admittedly very early, and Mr "I masturbate to memories of your mouth" showed up as I was saying bye to everyone. So I said hi and bye and he said, "Oh. Of course you leave as soon as I walk in the door." But all sarcastic like I purposely was leaving just because he showed up. Why didn't I think of that?! I could have waited five minutes to leave and then when he showed up I could have been like, "Oh. He's here. I am so leaving." Oh. I didn't do that because I don't see into the future and had no idea he was showing up. He was probably butt hurt anyway 'cause he texted me that day and I chose not to answer.

I have nothing else to rant about right now... Which is too bad because I'm kinda enjoying this keyboard.

Ok. So I met this guy at the bar last night. I didn't actually meet him. I've known him for a while. We arranged to meet at the bar. I don't usually revisit things or people I've done in the past. I figure there is no reason to go back to something that didn't work and try to make it work. But, I also have a hard time saying no and when he asked if I would grace him with my presence I thought, "what the hell."

I was uncomfortable the entire fucking night. He said when he saw me that he had to catch his breath cause his heart sped up. He said I'm like a breath of fresh air. He said he woke up thinking about me the other morning and had to stay in bed half an hour longer than usual because he couldn't stop thinking about me. YES PEOPLE. THE MAN BASICALLY STRAIGHT UP TOLD ME HE SPENT HALF A FUCKING HOUR MASTURBATING TO MY MEMORY AND THINKING ABOUT MY MOUTH. Now, if I was at all interested maybe that would be flattering? I actually don't know. Nobody (before last night) has ever just come out and straight up told me that they masturbate to my memory. He said I should get paid for that cause it was amazing. What the fuck ever.

Half the things that I said last night were "too soon" and "too much." Over and over again. He said he didn't want to make me uncomfortable but he likes to say what he's thinking. Well, so do I but I know when to show some restraint. Holy shit dude.

And then when I was sleeping I had an actual NIGHTMARE about him kissing me. That's right. I woke up in a cold sweat freaked right the fuck out because he kissed me in a dream. It was awful. His tongue was like, gross.

I don't think he is meant to be for me.

Fuck this. I want the fairy tale.

Oh. So the reason I was so angry driving home the other day. (I got distracted.) It's not that I'm in love and going to miss him and die without him. Though I think I could be in love with little encouragement. It's not that I had expectations that weren't met. He always meets my expectations (and then some.) I think it was because I was with him for a few days. I helped him unpack. I cooked. I cleaned. I decorated. And then I left and was reminded that I don't actually have that and I miss it. I miss sleeping with someone and being part of a couple. I miss coming home to someone and looking forward all day to seeing him. I go home and I have kids and a drunk ass roommate. But spending a few days with a man; It's like being in a "relationship" almost. 

But I can't do that. I have PLANS. I have another couple years of school. I want to move to Portland. I want to get a good job and my own place. 

Okay. Sort of. If life were actually a fairy tale and I could live my dream, that's not what I would do. I would get married and be a stay at home wife. I would cook, and clean, and do creative homey stuff. I would have been a great 1950's wife. I even like dresses and shit.

But, life is not a fairy tale and I am not married. So, school, job, and my very own apartment. Yay me. 

What the fuck is wrong with people? Did they go into theaters in the 1800's and just shoot a shit ton of people for no fucking reason? What exactly changed in society that made that ok? Not ok of course. That's not what I mean. What changed that made it an option? And don't fucking tell me guns. I can go buy a gun and I'm not going to ever go kill a bunch of innocent people with it. So sad and so fucking fucked up. All those families. Sometimes I want to put my kids in a bubble.

If you're offended easily, fuck off then cause I'm having a day. I'm actually having a week but what the fuck ever.

I went to visit a friend for a few days. A male friend. Drove home yesterday and was PISSED OFF the entire drive. I don't know what you do when you are driving and pissed off but I put in Metallica's Black album and turn the volume up until I think my speakers are going to blow because they get all nasty and static crappy. And then I turn it down just a hair cuz who wants to blow their speakers? So I was driving and thinking over and over in my head, "What the fucking fuck?!" Cause I had no reason to be mad. None. I had a great time. And yet, I was so phenomenally angry. I couldn't figure it out. Metallica doesn't calm me down btw. It just kinda pisses me off even more so I was driving, angry, driving, and ... why the fuck is the speed limit 70 if everyone is going to drive 63?! I don't want to speed. I just want to drive the speed limit. Drive drive drive change lane drive change lane drive drive change lane. Get out of my way!!

So I got home and went in my room and drank whiskey out of a bottle. Cause that's how ladies deal with their anger. And then, when I realized that wasn't going to be enough, that I was feeling particularly reckless and crazy, I went to the bar. BUT, I only brought twenty dollars with me cause feeling reckless and crazy with a full wallet is just dumb. I'm not dumb. So, I drank. I gambled (gasp!) I got hit on by a 70 year old dude that thought I was 28. I wanted to say something. Something like, "If you think I'm 28 then why the fuck are you hitting on me?! Don't you have kids? Or grand-kids? How is it okay to hit on someone the same age as your offspring??!!"

Jack Daniels is pretty amazing btw. It'll take the shitty ass mood you are in and turn that shit right around. Sort of. It didn't really but I'm going to pretend because I want to be able to justify using it in the future. For medicinal purposes of course.